Well, it's been quite a while since I last updated my blog and a lot has happened since then. I may get around to writing about it sometime, but for now I begin to write again because of the thoughts I have been having lately that I feel like I need to write about. And while I will probably be trying to still figure out exactly what I have been feeling while I write this, hopefully this will help me to get my thoughts together.
So lately, I've been thinking about who I have been this semester. I think about who I am whenever I am in class, when I am with the RFCs, when I am with a smaller group of friends, when I am in a one on one setting with someone, and when I am alone. And as I look at all these at once, I find it hard to tell which one is the real me. Some are like the others, while some seem to be as different as possible. But why is that?
A few weeks ago, I gave a sermon at a small church that the RFCs visited on a Sunday morning. My sermon was based on the idea that as Christians we no longer have an identity that is our own, but a true identity that is given to us by God. Colossians 3:12-14 says: "12Therefore, as God’s chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. 13Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. 14And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity." Paul tells us here that God has chosen us, we are his holy people, and he loves us dearly. This is our identity in Christ, and through that identity we are able to be compassionate and kind and all of the other things Paul writes. But how do you live out this identity? The answer to that question I do not think is an easy one, but the retreat the RFCs had last weekend helped me understand even more what that identity meant.
Last weekend, I had the wonderful privilege to attend the RFC fall retreat. This year the theme for the retreat was genuine discipleship. We talked about how just claiming the title of Christians is good, but we are called to be disciples of Christ. We looked at scriptures of how we must produce fruits and show our love for others. John 13:35 reads: "By this everyone will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another." And I think the retreat and preparing my sermon are two things that have really helped me see where I am at in my life.
I was talking to a good friend of mine just last night. Now then, a lot of time whenever I talk to her I feel like she may get annoyed, something that if I told her in real life she would hit me for saying, since I tend to let her do most of talking whenever we get a chance to have a conversation. But the other night I never felt once like it was bad I wasn't talking that much, something that has been rare this year I think. And then I finally realized what I had been doing wrong for much of this semester, something another wise friend of mine had told me just a few weeks ago, that I had been trying to make my identity into what I wanted it to be, instead of being the person God had created me to be.
I will try to explain what I mean by my last statement. At the beginning of this semester, I had told myself I was going to try to be more outgoing. I wasn't going to just be the quiet guy anymore and I was going to get out there and talk to more people and make sure to try and get everyone involved in the RFC as much as I could. And while I first I felt like this was a good change, I soon started to just tire myself out trying to be this person. And whenever I tried to be quiet again, I would feel like the people around me would think that something was wrong with me or that I was weird for not talking and so I would stop and just go back to trying to be something I wasn't again. And in the end I would just feel so exhausted that it would effect not only my relationships with others, but also my relationship with God. I would tell myself I was too tired to read my bible or to even just talk to God some nights, and that is something I know can never happen.
This is why I decided to write this blog. Last year, even though I was still confused at times, I feel like I knew who I was for the most part, and something that always helped me last year was to get all my thoughts out in my blog. And this is also why I have decided to make a change in my life. To start to listen more like I use to, be there for the people I care about most in this life, and try my best to love others as Jesus told us to do. God has given us all talents, and while that does not mean I can't develop new talents, I still have to work to prefect the ones he has given me first.
So what does that mean for me now? It means that I will work even harder to grow my relationship with God. It means I will make sure to listen more to the people in my life and try my best to help them in any way I can. It doesn't mean that I will not talk anymore, but that I will take more time to consider what I say and when I say it. It means that I may have to take some time to myself some days and no hang out with my friends. It means that I can't let what other people think about me, or at least what I think they think about me, affect who I am. Most importantly, it means that I'm taking the identity God has given to heart and letting him work through me the way he intended to. Oh, and it means that I will try my best to make my smile not something that I just have because I usually do, but because I am truly happy with who I am and my relationship with God and others.
